S.Bob

Long time no post huh? Got a new live journal. Check under my school, and if you're smart enough, you can find it. Good luck!

Another badass quiz from eSPIN-the-Bottle... Which Sexy Are You? MY RESULT:Cool Sexy You keep it real smooth, all James Bond-style. The suave, international hotties will love you. You’re sophisticated, mature, and you’ve got fairly expensive tastes. (And your personal hygiene? Outstanding.) Just be careful not to get too carried away. Big, bold romantic gestures are sexy and all, but there’s something to be said for sharing a laugh or dancing in the rain. (As long as you’re not wearing any suede.) Take This Quiz!

Uhm....yeah. I highly doubt the credibility of that. Honestly! I'm nothing like that!

1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (97%)
3. Liberal Quakers (88%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (80%)
5. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (74%)
6. Seventh Day Adventist (71%)
7. Reform Judaism (67%)
8. Eastern Orthodox (61%)
9. Roman Catholic (61%)
10. Hinduism (58%)
11. Neo-Pagan (58%)
12. Mahayana Buddhism (57%)
13. Theravada Buddhism (56%)
14. Orthodox Judaism (56%)
15. Sikhism (56%)
16. Bahá'í Faith (54%)
17. Islam (54%)
18. New Age (54%)
19. Scientology (53%)
20. Taoism (49%)
21. Jainism (48%)
22. Secular Humanism (48%)
23. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (47%)
24. New Thought (44%)
25. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (43%)
26. Jehovah's Witness (37%)
27. Nontheist (26%)



I told you I was nondenominational!

Why do I get the feeling that people are going to be bitter for a while?

ANGER: [So my best friend feels that I'm not good enough, what's new? I dont think she ever has, honestly. I'm not sincere enough. I'm not thoughtful anymore. Yeah, that's why I spent the past hour and a half crying to my boyfriend about how miserable my life would be without her? Geez, I'm such a heartless person. I'm never there for her, where the hell was she? I'm so busy, we never talk. We're growing apart. It takes two to save a friendship sweetheart. I tried, you didnt notice. We never have sleep overs. Where was she on new years eve? Oh yeah, with Will. Who's been the one asking about them lately? Not her, unless asked. I changed. Wow, really? I never knew that people changed when they got older. I'm not going to always be that same little girl that I was. I'm growing up. Everyone's changed. It sucks, but it's called life.]

SYMPATHY: [Pat's dog died, I feel really bad. I always hate when my friend's pets die. I'm afraid that I've been a horrible person lately.]

EFF: [I hate being 16. I hate the way my friends act. I hate complaining, but I do. I hate how whenever I need to talk, Amber stays on the phone to Craig. I hate how she asks "Do you need to talk?" five times, and when answered yes, she continues to talk on the damn phone! I'd rather you just ignored me. She (not Ber) insulted the hell out of me. She said that she's not a part of my "new life" WHAT NEW LIFE?! I'm the same person I always was, just older and busier. I feel so blah, I want this to go away, soon. I'm sick of LiveJournal.]

At work today there's this guy, Mr.Flannigan, and whenever I wait on him he just stares at me. And he's like, awkward/gauky. He's that guy who told me I looked "smart" that one day. But yeah, he just sits and stares at me. He even hesitates after I give him his clothes and everything's all paid for and just stares at me. Is that weird, or am I just paranoid?
So what's with the weird "friends with benefits" thing that people are posting on their journals?
So I really want to talk to Casey, I need some perspective. I was so desperate I took (most of) my horiscope to heart. I even took notes on the part that says "Call an older friend on Friday" and the handwriting turned out pretty nice, maybe it's a sign?
Poor thing, Chrisi's friend is trying to stay the night tonight, she's pleading with her mom on the phone, she said "...I dont want to go home, I want to stay here...I dont care, this would be better for everybody." I dont think she has a good time at home, her parents are divorced. Poor thing her mom just hung up I think...
I'm SO sick of fighting about the damn kitchen!

My resolutions:

*Stop whining so much, other people have it twenty-million-bazillion times worse than I do. Who am I to complain?
*Start asking more questions. I will not fear the answer or the reaction. I will ask the questions that are on my mind, and I will learn from them. I will, in other words, become a child again (you know, when you ask hordes of annoying questions, but you dont care who you annoy because you're learning something new.)
*Live my life. You only get one, and I'm only going to be young for so long. I'm not promising myself that I will "no longer be shy" because obviously that's not going to happen. I've been promising myself for years, and for years I havent. There must be some divine reasoning behind my shy nature, so why should I fight it? But I will go out with my friends, I will dance (not right away, but I will), I will sing, I will shout, I will neither fear nor feel guilty about enjoying myself.
*I will not be stifled. Kind of contradictory to the previous comments, but I think it means that I will not let petty arguments get in the way of what I have to say.

Wow. The future's really barreling towards us, and I'll admit it: I'm scared. I'm scared because I have no idea what's going to happen or how I'm going to do things. I'm afraid I'll make a wrong decision. I will be seventeen years old on May 10th, that's only five months, ten days, and twelve hours away (I was born at almost exactly noon). Soon I'll be an adult. Soon I will be out on my own. Soon I'll have to make a decision about what I want to do with the rest of my life. So many decisions! I want to be a marine biologist! I want to work on a boat with fish, and especially mammals (like whales, dolphins, porpoises, manatees, dugongs, and the like). I want to open up my own tattoo parlor and become a prestigious tattoo artist! Busty's, would be the name. I want change lives! I want to be a highschool teacher! English. I want to be an archeologist! I want to be a historian! I want to be a beautician! I want to do hair! I want to write! I want to live my life in such a way that I will be somebody's hero. When I'm old, I want my grandchildren to be excited about hearing about my life. I want to understand love. If it takes only ever having two boyfriends, or having 25! I want to be sure of myself without having weird spells of "I'm not sure." (Pat knows what I'm talking about). And most importantly know that I'm making wise (not right or wrong) decisions regarding my life. Does anybody know? Are we supposed to know, or are we just supposed to wing it and hope for the best?

I dont know what the future holds, but here's hoping that I will make the decisions that count. I welcome 2007 with (though fearful) open arms. Farewell 2006, you were good to me, may you never be forgotten! Happy New Years everybody, I hope your future holds happiness and truth.

So yesterday at about, I dont know, two(ish)? my granny came over to get Chrisi and I. My cousin (Micheal) got off of work early, so we decided to go out to eat before we went to the mall. We went to that place by the mall, Cody's or whatever. I had salmon! Yummy! BUT before that we gott here half an hour early so we walked around Ross (bleck!), Micheals, and Bed Bath and Beyond. I LOVE BED BATH AND BEYOND!!!! I could live there! So we ate at Cody's and it was pretty cool, no one really said much, but I think Micheal got bored because he started using the crayons at the table to draw a little picture. Hehe. Then we went to the mall...I SAW KELLY AT OLD NAVY!!!! And we didnt really do much because Chrisi left her money in the car so she didnt really care, and I'm too shy to be pushy and decide where we should go. So then we all went to his house (it was so cute!!!), it has a red door! Anywho, we went inside and I guess he felt bad, because he says "it isnt the cleanist place" before he left. Whatever, has he seen my room? Lol. Anyway we (Chrisi, my granny and myself) all watched the tube while we waited for him to get home (Like two hours worth of tube time). He gets in and is all like "Mom just called, one of her neighbors called to tell her that people keep pulling into her drive way and it's making them, and her, nervous so is it okay if we all go and stay there for the night?" Granny was all like "YEAH!" and so we went. Haha, it turns out, Micheal didnt know that Chrisi and I were coming with Granny (he thought it was just her) so he called my mom and his mom and he was like "I thought it was just Granny! My house is too small! Oh my gosh! The girls! what am I supposed to--- it's too small!" So that's how it came to that we were supposed to go stay at my aunts house, all four of us. Teehee, so we get there and we're all hanging out getting all comfy, when Micheal and Granny break into the liqueer cabinets (there's more than one). They pulled out rum, Irish whiskey, and Sake. So Granny starts to make her eggnog and rum, micheal makes his rum and coke, and Granny asks him (while I was watching the tube with Chrisi) "ask Casey if she wants some" So Granny asks me if I wanted some, she said "Casey, sweetheart, do you want to try some sake?" I said "...suuure" so Micheal poured me a little shot glass, and the first sip kinda hurt a little, but then it was like "COOL! I'm drinking with Granny and Micheal!" So I drank with Granny and Micheal, and Granny says "here, try some eggnog and rum" then she says "lets go drink at the couch, and you can have more baby," refering to me, "but I dont wanna challenge ya, dont want you to wake up with the wobbles tomorrow or anything." and as soon as she turned around Micheal leaned down and whispers "You can have more if you want." It was fun! Yeah, drank with Micheal and Granny, then watched South Park. I've never watched South Park with Granny. It was fun! Then we went out to eat for breakfast this morning, and then we came home and then Granny went home. Then we watched a tape of Carlos Mencia that Dad got for Christmas,and MOm and I laughed SO HARD, oh my gosh! And then I made sure my lighting plans for sunday night would work, then I talked to Uri on the phone, then I pulled weeds, and now I'm doing this! Gosh, last night was fun (and funny!). Pat was supposed to call me...he's late...Oh well, he's never on time. I'm listening to "Next Contestant" that Nickleback song. I love it! I should really start pulling the lights out of the attic and find some string and stuff for my idea, it's SO cool! Seriously, it's gonna be like....a surprise! But I need Pat's help. I'd ask Casey but I feel really bad because 1)Last time I asked her for help the place was closed and we wandered aimlessly around bealls outlet for hours. and 2) because she has to be surprised, and 3) she isnt taller than me. I'll ask Pat, because two inches, is better than no inches, right? Hmmm...I guess Pat wasnt late, mom was just on the phone. Oh well, haha, time flies huh? Eff! Now he wont pick up. Boys are stupid! Let's throw rocks at them!

So Christmas was yesterday, and it was so good. No one really fought, it was just Mom, Dad, and Chrisi and myself. I got an electric violin with a bunch of stuff to go with it as my main present (LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), some books, a movie (My sister Jessica and Pat got me the same thing, but I dont want to hurt Jessica's feelings because she always tries so hard to get me stuff that I'll like. She's so sweet like that), mittens/gloves, a calender, the computer program that I wanted, the soundtrack to HappyFeet, and the first fall out boy CD. Yay! We watched Talledega Nights last night, it was funny. EW! I accidentally stopped up the kitchen sink (I put about three dozen potatoes peals down the disposal), and came within inches of plugging up the whole house (WOO! New personal achievement!), so we had to wash the dishes in the bathtub last night. Lol, I was like "ACK! MY DISHES HAVE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM, MERE CENTIMETERS FROM THE TOILET BOWL, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" I'm such a freak like that, but I bear my freakdom proudly.
I went to get my hair cut this morning with Casey, but the place was closed. Whatever, I'll just wait until thursday. So we went to Beall's Outlet instead. I got a cocktail dress, it's dark pink. Casey made me buy it. I might wear it on new years (for my "party"). It's cute, I'll give her that. We split a whole pizza in half, but gosh it was good. FIVE CHEESE! YUMMY!!! Mmmm...I just took a huge gulp of iced tea, twas refreshing. Anyway, Casey thinks I should dye my hair lighter blonde. I cant decide. She thinks a shade darker than my older sisters', and they're almost snow blonde. I really cant decide. Pat doesnt want me to, but he also doesnt want me to get my hair cut, so his opinion doesnt count in this situation. I cant wait until New Years Eve. It's my favorite night of the year! Seriously, I think it'll be fun. But now, since Casey made me buy that dress I might tell everyone they have to dress up now (including Casey, if I have to walk to her house and force the dress on her myself.) Or I might just wear pants under it. PAT CAN COME! YAY!!!!!! I was so bummed about him telling me he couldnt, and that he wasnt even going to try to ask. Seriously, I told everyone that I was mad/bummed about it. But he finally asked! It took me being pissy, yelling at him, and hanging up on him but woo! He finally asked!
Tomorrow my Granny is coming to get Chrisi and I. She said her house is messed up, and the weather isnt that great so she thinks that we'd be bored, so she's taking us to the mall and stuff tomorrow, and so that she can be with all three of her grandchildren at once, she's going to have us all spend the night at my cousin Micheal's house. I've never been to Micheal's house before. Micheal's cool though, I like hanging out with him, even though we rarely talk anymore.
I still kind of wish that I talked my sisters into letting me stay with them for Christmas Break. It would have been SO COOL! I'd have to take a train though, screw the plane. I'd be scared out of my mind. I get really nervous on planes, ever since I was about nine. Before that I loved them, but now I just love air ports. Oh man, Gavin (my nephew) looks JUST LIKE JESSICA (my older sister). It's crazy. I hope it stays that way. His dad was a...in light of the holiday cheer, we're just going to call him a stupid jerkface. Besides, he was ugly and Jess is beautiful. Who would you rather look like? Stupid ugly dad, or gorgeous mom?
I'm so happy right now. WOO!!!! I need a hula hoop! I cant even hula hoop, what am I talking about? It just falls before it even spins once. Hehe. Gosh, I write like such a "ohmagosh!" kinda person when I'm happy. Oh well, it feels great! WOO!

(Oh, and before you ask, Pat, I DIDNT have any wine. Mom said it was too late.)

So I got Pat back on restriction. I feel really bad about that. Especially now since I found out that there was a problem with his Christmas present. IT WAS PERFECT!!! I even called the Hottopic.com customer service headquarters (and spoke with Ryan, who might I add was rather friendly) to find out what happened. They were out of stock, and had to refund my money. Whatever. Now I have to find something, drop it by his house, and hope like heck that his mom wont give me a weird look. Stupid Paula...self-rightious hag...I swear! It's not that big of a deal, my parents just laughed at me! Hmph!

Tomorrow Dad's going to take me out driving, and then weird gonna go to the mall. Cool beans.
I hope Casey's Chiarra (?) thing gets better. I never knew it had a name until five seconds ago. Ever since I found out about it, I've always wondered what kind of problems she might be having. Maybe that's why she blacks out sometimes? Or why she used to need so much sleep. I dunno. I hope we get to see her before Christmas, I really think she'll like her present. I forget sometimes that she's not actually related to us, almost every Christmas I'm like "Where's Casey?" and then I remember that she has a family of her own. I know, it's weird.

Gosh, I cant believe Pat got in trouble for that! It was MY FAULT. MY FAULT. Why cant Paula get that through her head?! Gosh! I DID IT! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! IT IS MY FAULT!!!!! NOT HIS! Why is he getting punished for something that he DID NOT DO?!!?!?!??! EFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant stand his Mom! DAMN IT!


Okay, so I'm off to doing things. xoxoo

My aunt bought me the book Running with Scissors, and I LOVE IT! I cant put it down. Except for right now though, I'm deep in thought. The guy narrating this book reminds me of someone. The music I'm listening to brings me back to a time when that someone meant the world to me. The combination is making me feel really weird.
I remember when I had my sunburn, the one from Eggmont Key. I remember Casey had left her CD's at my house, I guess because she felt bad for me. All I could really do that didnt hurt all that bad was lay on my bed. I remember listening to Unwritten law, and some other stuff, dreaming of seeing that someone in person. Or wishing that that someone would call me on the phone. I remember waiting for the day that I could spend with just him.
I remember when I locked myself in my room with my Harry Potter, I didnt want the book to ever end, but just couldnt wait for the end of the night so that I could communicate with him until neither of us could stand staying awake any longer.
Gosh, I remember the day I finally told him how I felt. I broke a sort of curfew to do that. I remember that my hands shook as I did so. I remember, that's how the whole kiss thing started. And so began the strangest, yet most intoxicating few months of my life.
A part of me knew all along that he felt the same way about me. I could just feel it. I remember the day I told him about Creepy Kevin. How Kevin just kept asking me out on dates, and what I should tell him. That someone, he told me to tell Kevin that I had a boyfriend. I said "but what if he asks who my boyfriend is?" That Someone told me "Tell him it's me." I flipped!
Then that someone told me that I should ask him out, I told him no. He has to ask me, and for awhile we'd talk about this, until one day he said something along the lines of "ask me soon, because someday it'll be too late to ask."
Soon after that, I dont know what started it, we got into an argument about my asking him out. I told him that if he wanted me to be his girlfriend, he'd have to ask me. We argued about it, until finally he said "If you dont ask, then we just wont be boyfriend and girlfriend!" I said "That's fine with me." I guess I had gotten my point across, because he asked. I was thrilled. BEYOND thrilled. BEYOND BEYOND thrilled.
I was afraid of seeming clingy, and things soon began to get awkward. Kissing was a weird deal too. We're not even going to get into that. But lets just say I'd blush profusely whenever he kissed me on the cheek, and the day he kissed me on the lips I FROZE. He told me my lips were soft, and I cherished that comment. He rarely complimented my body, actually, that was the only time.
When he broke up with me, I was...I dont know. I remember, I had had a really bad/pissy day. Mostly my fault for being so pissy. He made Casey go to the water fountain with him, and they came back. He looked at her, she said "I'm not helping you this time." And he looked at me and said "Casey...I dont want to go out with you anymore." I didnt ask why, I just said "Oh...okay." And he gave me a hug, like he felt sorry for me. I could only stand things for a few minutes, and barely that. I left early, and I think it was obvious why. Amber and Casey were right with me the whole time. We werent even out of the building, and I couldnt even see. My eyes were so full of tears. As soon as we were two steps out I lost it, and started bawling. I wouldnt admit to why I was crying. I refused to admit that he was the reason. That a boy could make me so miserable in so few words. Later that night, he asked me if I had cried.

Looking back on it, it still hurts. Not enough to make me cry, but just enough. But I realize now that, had I stayed with him, I wouldnt be with the boy that I cherished for two and a half years, but this other boy. This evil clone of the original. The sweet, funny, incredibly intelligent original. I miss the original, and Casey's the only other person that could maybe understand. I cherished him, and something happened, and he was gone in the blink of an eye. He was a horrible boyfriend, and he always made me feel bad, and awkward. I was too embarressed to say anything to my friends, about any of it, so I never did. I wish I did just tell Ber and Casey that the reason that I cried my eyes out atleast once, almost every day for two months was because of him. I wish I had told them that I still felt bad for months afterwards. I wish that I had told him how he made fun of my pictures, calling them "anorexic" (like he had room to talk). I wish that I had told them how he made fun of my reading habits. I wish I had told them how all he did was bother me about kissing him.


I wish I had the courage, one day, to ask the miserable bastard "why the hell wouldnt I cry? You were my everything for two and a half years, I defended you to the end! What do you do now? You break up with me, and excuse me from all dignity by asking if I cried! You miserable bastard! Go back to whatever the hell store you came out of and stay there! Stay there with your vain, promiscuous whores! Let your Burburry scarf show you the same respect that I did! Let your precious Armani love you the way Casey and I did! Because no one else will!"

I'm so tired. But it feels good to be tired...minus the "am I going to throw up?" feeling. This guy came into work today, and was, in the nicest terms possible, a real jerk. Okay, so he comes in, is kinda quiet, whatever. I get his clothes, tell him his total (it was like, twenty nine dollars and some-odd cents). He handed me a hundred dollar bill, but see, the thing was, I didnt have enough cash in my drawer to break it. So I politely told him that I couldnt break a hundred, so he says "[angry sigh] Do you take cards?" In such a rude tone. I answered yes, and he continued flipping through his cash. He handed me twenty five dollars, and began throwing ones down on the counter. Not handing them to me, or laying them down, or even neatly tossing them. He THREW them, one by one, into messy little heaps onto the counter. I could barely concentrate on getting his change. That really bothers me. I mean, it's not my fault that I didnt have enough cash to break a hundred in my drawer, who is he to get fussy with me? And even if he is upset with that fact, he could atleast be polite. He didnt have to THROW his money at me, and act like a kid.
I got Christmas presents this week, and I loved them all! Casey got me soup, lotion, AND body spray in the scent that I've wanted since NINTH GRADE! I was thrilled! Oh, and a Snoopy and a cute little bag. I love the bath stuff, I love the Snoopy, and I love the bag! Ber got me a box of make-up, because I wear so much. It's cool, it's got a lot of vatiations of certain colors. And Mo got me a little candle/bamboo/rock-stacker/fountain thing. It's awesome! Urian got me the smelly stuff that I've wanted since, like, this October. Yummy! Lainey got me candy canes, because I had been complaining this week about not getting any. I love all of it so much! It all had a lot of thought in it, and that's what counts the most! I have the best friends in the world, seriously.
I got my driver's permit! It's late (I'm almost 17 now, geez!) But I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...(...ect) HAPPY ABOUT IT!!!!!

So today was kind of cool. I woke up, got a little pissed off, and Pat came over. I had fun with him. It was nice. I forgot about my chores, until about five, I jumped up and yelled "SHIT! I GOTTA SWEEP!" And ran out of my room (ask Pat, he saw it). So as soon as I grab the broom, his mom calls to tell him that she'll be here in five minutes. Shit. I asked Chrisi if she could do two of my chores, and Pat and I would each give her five dollars. She did it.
Went to the boat parade thing. I was so nervous the whole way there. We got to the street we were supposed to be on, and whoa! There were police, and guns, and some guy in a bush! WHOA! Needless to say, we turned around and walked the rest of the way. All of the houses were HUGE. And beautiful. We got there, and this house was just like the rest, just, not as wide. We watched the boat parade, shared some food, each attempted eating two pieces of cake, and failed. We hung out for the rest of the night. It was fun. Then Tom told us it was time to leave. While we were waiting for Pat's mom and Tom, Pat played with this little kid. It was sweet. We rode home, blah blah blah. Tom went to turn in by their street, when Pat says "Dont forget we have to take Casey home." I wish he hadnt said anything. I wish I could have gone home with them. I dont want to be here right now. Either with Casey or Pat. Kind of preferably Casey, her family is more familiar and comforting.
I got home, went in to see Mom, and she told me how much trouble I was going to be in, and gave me the third degree about how I didnt do anything, and I forgot some things at the store. Now, I HAVE to stay up until Dad gets home and hope like hell that he's going to be the only one up. Even when he's livid, he's doesnt make me feel as bad as Mom. Mom makes me hate myself. I never question my state of happiness, or my capability to function as a human being until Mom flips out at me.
I'm screwed. This might be the last post for a while, so I'm just going to go on...forgive me.
I'm really sick of people telling me that I spend so much time with Pat. I dont. This week was different, because...I forget why. Most weeks I see him at school (for about two to five minutes at a time), for ten minutes after work when he walks me home because he refuses to let me walk home alone in the dark, and on Sundays. Besides, unless you want to spend time with me, what business is it of yours? Honestly, unless you're making an effort to see me (on days when I dont have major plans), shut up. It's none of your business, I dont delve into yours, so stay the hell out of mine.
I'm sick of every time I'm upset, someone tells me "it could be worse, look at my life." Yes, I already understand that it could be worse. If you'd shut your mouth for two seconds, you'd hear me say that, and you'd hear me apologize for complaining. I do have a good life, but no matter how good it is, there are going to be times, and incidents that will bother and upset me. Let me be upset, damn it!
I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. I dont want to go to school and work on four hours of sleep, because Dad will take till two. Mom will yell and screem until about one, but if she's involved, I'll be up till three wishing I were someone else. I hate this. I hate fucking up. But I guess a fuck up is prone to fucking up.
I miss Pat. I want to be with him right now. I want to sleep with him (just sleep, for all you perverts out there), just one night. Preferably tonight. Maybe I'll sneak out. Dont give me that "pft! You?! Yeah right!" I would, if I felt like it. I'd go to Casey's but Lisa's friends with my parents, and Im not sure what nights Will spends the night. I'd go and...probably just walk around, or sleep on a bench. I know, I'm no fun.
My feet are cold.
I'm not looking forward to Dad coming home. It's gonna suck.
I hate being 16.
I'm tired out of my mind, I have a headache, and I think I'm going to throw up. I should clean my room.
Pat's Mom called Don uncivilized because he carried a knife on him. They were talking about last time they went to Bush Gardins, Don had his knife on him. She complained at first that it was a dumb idea because they search you at Bush Gardins. Pat said "well, things used to be different for him. It's instinct." She comes back by saying "well, he needs to be civilized if he's going to come places with me." That's horrible. Is she trying to say that all people that carry knives on their person are uncivilized? I got so mad at that.
Gonna go. Xo. Here's hoping...

I just got home from Bealls Outlet, I tried calling Casey to see if she wanted to come, but no one picked up. I called Will, and he said she was probably listening to music in her room, so I figured I'd let her enjoy it (besides, she wouldnt have heard the phone). He's picking up for some guy and working from 4-7, that's not right. It's none of my business, but GOODNESS! That's 15 hours! When's he supposed to sleep or see Casey? You know, ENJOY his life!
I got a blue dress, with pink and lighter blue stars on it. I LOVE IT!
I'm gonna miss Casey while she's in Jamaica. She's been on my mind alot more lately. I misses my bestest friend!

[phone]

BYE

GUCK! My comics are all wrong! Faye should be with Martin, not skanky Dora. And Chris and Hazel should hook up, even though she really loves Jameson! DUH!
Anywho, so things are weird with friends since like, last year. As soon as Casey and Will started going out, she started hanging with him WAY MORE than anyone else, so we all hungout with Ber. But then Ber got a job. Then things cool down with Casey, and Ber works less, and I get a job. EFF! How am I supopsed to see my best friends if things are weird?
I feel like the seeing-less-of my friends thing is my fault. Is it?
I was starting to feel happy that I wasnt shy anymore, I was even, proud. This is what I've wanted my whole entire life, to not be afraid of people. I used to be terrified of talking to people I didnt know, and now I just smile and keep going. I dont hyperventilate, and I actually volunteer for speaking in certain classes. I thought Casey would be happy that she didnt have to push me into things, you know? But now it seems like she's upset that I'm not as shy anymore.
Sam and Urian are going out...FINALLY! I've been waiting all...erm...week! Lol.
I understand that I get to see Pat at school, but I really try to spend school times with my friends. I WANT to see my friends at school time. But now that I can only see him on Sunday, it's like I'm fighting a downhill battle. If I dont spend time with my friends, they flip out and say that I'm way too obsessed. If I dont spend time with him, he thinks that he made me mad and tries to stay even further away.
Don is uber depressed, and he feels the need to tell me all about how angry he is, and all about how he doesnt think he doesnt have any more chance with Kelly. I felt sympathy at first, but I can only take so much! I have other friends, with WAY worse problems than being lonely and thinking a girl doesnt like them.
Mr.Pandolph came in, and he was so happy that Casey called him. He stopped Jessica on her way back from Shell and told her how thankful he was that we gave Casey the number. I'm glad Casey got the job, it'll be good for her. Besides, she's a pro with kids. I wish I were like that. I wish I were like her. She's so awesome. She can sing like an angel, she's popular, everywhere she goes she makes friends. I've had friends, been my friends for years, and as soon as they meet her they forget about me. That's because I'm forgettable, and she's not. She's not afraid to do anything!
I love Marine Science! It always puts me in the best mood. Today John heard me telling Robin about English, and how I was uberly upset, and he spent the rest of the class period trying to cheer me up. Trying to make me laugh and smile. And he walked around for like fifteen minutes with my glasses on. He looks like an old man with them on. Then when Robin and Corey went to measure the clarity of the water, he sat with me and this was our conversation:
John: You look SO hot right now.
Me: (laughs)
John: I hate the water
Me: Why?
[[insert comments about ocean cleanliness]]
Me: I want to go swimming
John: Okay, I'll hold your clothes
Me: (laughs)
John: I bet Seacow wouldnt appreciate that, huh?
Me: No, Seacow would not.

And later her pulled a stick off of my bum, I said thank you, and he says "yeah, gives me an excuse to touch your ass."

[pat called, and sounds upset. Bye]

Reasons why I'm....why I'm...I dont know! But here:

*Pat is no longer allowed to hang out with me, unless it's a Sunday.
*He is only allowed to talk on the phone with me for thirty minutes, and his door has to be open.
*His Mom basically told him that I have to be his last priority.
*Pat's Mom is a phsycopathic neurospazz!

I now come to find out, that not only do I have to eat dinner at Pat's house (awkward enough) but I have to come over and watch a movie and "hang out" so that Tom can ge to know me "in depth". EHHH! Now I'm even MORE nervous! I ALWAYS GET NERVOUS! I'm going to be messing with my jewelry the whole night...maybe I SHOULDNT wear a necklace or ring? EFF! I'll touch my earlobes then! Like I ALWAYS do when I'm nervous! Frack! *grabs Muffin's jacket* Hide me Muffin!

PS-Yay! Casey got the job! I KNEW Mr.Pandolph would hire her! I'm SO glad I remembered to get his number.

Please excuse my poor French.

Mom and I arent getting our ears done tomorrow. *sigh* I dont want to be disapointed, but I am. That was going to be our special thing, forget the barbell, the cartiledge thing was going to be like, our bonding time.
So Pat's mom gave him a lecture about how to manage his time. Pretty much, she told him that I need to be his last priority. Call me crazy, but that kind of hurt. I didnt want to be his first or anything, but I certainly dont want to be his last. I mean, first his step dad starts asking weird accusatory questions (from what Pat's told me) about why I dont have my permit, and says how it would really help my mom, and now his mom says that I need to be his last priority? How am I supposed to feel? Am I just being paranoid?

I love how Monique tells me that I'm too nice. It makes me feel good. People rarely call me a nice person anymore. This guy called my eyes pretty at work. He says "what's that on your eyes?" I answer, shyly, "make up." He says, "it looks pretty," and just drives away.
I got a 37 in English, oh excuse me, "AP Language and composition." Ms.Jones wrote in the comment box "fails to submit work." WELL DUH I FAIL TO SUBMIT WORK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE WORK IF ALL OF YOUR FRACKING WORK IS ON THE FRACKING SERVER ON THE FRACKING LAP TOP THAT I DONT FRACKING HAVE YET?!?!?! HOW?! I asked her if she had a copy of the work on the server, and she handed me a copy of what we went over in class. UGH!

I got straight A's otherwise today...grrr....

This weekend will be weird. I wont see Pat at all, I wont see Casey at all, pretty much I'll see Monique. And that's not bad, just not normal. I'm sure it will be fun though. Next weekend I'll be a ball of nerves though. I'm supposed to eat dinner at Pat's house, I've never done that and the idea scares the pants off of me. I'm being honest, I'm DREADING next Sunday.

I'm pretty bored, so I'm drawing. I'm really enjoying it. I''ve been working on this one picture for about an hour and a half now. So far, I've gotten Casey, Me, and Pat's head. There will be more people, eventually. My imagination's running away with me though, Pat has a patch eye, and a huge curly mess of hair, Casey's wearing a dress (Cant be a diva without a cool dress), and...and...yeah. I'm not done yet, sue me! I'm so tired, but I'm so proud of myself. I turned in three math assignments today! Maybe I can make two or three make up assignments tomorrow, geez I feel good about that. I think Pat's grounded. Hmm...that sucks. Speaking of Pat, I was talking to him on the phone tonight and he says to me "I've noticed you dont really explode, vent, or really say something to someone unless you've waited for a while."  Hmmm...I guess I dont in most cases. Maybe I should start speaking my mind more? I owe Mrs.Lowe a dollar, because I got the last number of my cello combination mixed around with the first. Eff...I better not have a three in Orch. Citizenship tomorrow, if I do I'm walking out of class. I'm going to get back to my picture. I think this is how I'm going to base my characters for "From up Here"
Goodnight Everybody. XO-Madame Scary "Spooky Butt" Horror Claws
(dont ask about the name)

I find it amazing that I can miss someone who I havent spoken face to face with in a little over six years. Someone, whom I know very litle about, but yet, I look up to. Quite a bit.  I havent spoken with my Aunt Cheryl for quite some time, but geez I want to so badly! 

My day.

I woke up this morning, to mom yelling "It's seven oclock! WAKE UP!" It was so hard to get out of bed! Why is it that I only ever sleep all the way through the night when I dont wake up early, or dont have to? Got ready in twenty minutes, and got a ride to school. Oi. Between Pat and Casey, I swear, I'm just going to become a mute. They both complain that I dont spend enough time with either of them. I try to spend as little time wtih Pat as possible at school, so I can see my friends. He feels bad, but understands. They get mad at me for spending too much time with him at school. Eff...how do I solve this dilema? Maybe I can just shut myself away in the library, and read and draw until I graduate and only spend time with people outside of school? I only hang out with Pat on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays.  And Tuesdays and Thursdays are negotiable! If you want to do something with me, just ask me, and as long as it isnt something mind numbingly stupid/boring, I'll do it. But damn it, stop complaining that you dont see me. You know the days I work, and if you dont, ask. Problem solved. So I went through first period, and Mrs. Lowe said she's dropping citezenship grades if we didnt have our health forms in today. What the hell? I gave the forms to my parents, it's not my fault that they havent signed them yet! Why am I being punished because they're busy? I might have a 3. A 3! I've NEVER had a three in citezenship, and damn it, I'm not going to ruin my flawless citezenship record now! If my grades cant save me, that will! And she's taking points off because I dont have my laptop. Again, not my fault. I've been trying. Second period, we had  a sub, and I felt some pretty weird vibes coming from Urian. I think he might be annoyed with me. Lunch was boring. In English we finished the Crucible and HOLY CRAP! I want to see it again! All of the girls in the room were crying their eyes out by the end, myself included. Marine Science was pretty boring, we just finished our review. Blah blah. After school, I went to work. Fairly uneventful. Except for this lady Debbie. She's full of herself in a depressing way. She's had a hard life, kind of, more of a tough adulthood (kind of) I should say. She complains, and dwells, and talks, and talks, and I just want to say "Debbie, is it lonely up there on your pedistal?" I got home, and said good bye to Chrisi, because she was going camping. THANK GOODNESS!

Now I'm just sitting here thinking about how to manage my time. My friends want time, Pat wants time, I WANT TIME. I get three days a week to split between them. Three and a half, but Pat normally does whatever it is that he does Saturday afternoons anyway. I want to hang out with my friends, and have fun like we used to, but I dont want to blow him off. But I dont want to blow them off either. Every time I've tried calling Casey she's been busy, or not home, and every time she's called me I've been busy. It's driving me crazy! I never know what I have and havent told her anymore, and it comes to bite me in the bum when I havent told her.

So there's this kid, John, in my Marine Science class, and Pat cant stand him. He probably wouldnt even care if I hadnt told him that he smacked me on the bum with a meter stick during our wave lab. I hate crying infront of Pat. I cried (alot) on Tuesday, and I really hope he didnt notice. Damn it! I got tears on his shirt, he must have! Damn! I feel so weak when I cry, and I hate for people to see it. The only people I felt comfertable crying around completely ostricized me, so now I'm left to my closest friends, and I hate when they see me cry. Even Casey. I just dont like it, does this make any sense?

Mom made me read this article in Arthritis Today, about families, and how children are affected by their parents illness too. I hate admitting that it's an illness. It's hard to explain why. You've just got to know what it's like first hand. Casey might, if she remembers that far back.  I hate seeing my mom have to go to bed early, because she's in too much pain to handle the stress load. I hate watching her limp through the house. I hate how we cant do things anymore like we used to. I hate seeing clumps of red hair in the shower. I hate crying in silence, because I dont want Mom to know how much this all bothers me. I'd rather she think that I dont care, than to know that I cry at night because she's sick. I remember, she used to stay up late on school nights. She used to randomly bake something, or take something off of the wall and repaint it because it's color dissatisfied her. I remember how she used to garden. How much she cared about those cacti. How vibrant she used to be. My mom was a firecracker. I need Casey right now. 

Mom and I are getting our cartiledge pierced this weekend. Fun stuff.

Night.

This guy, oh my gosh, this guy! At work today, I was putting this guys clothes in his car when he asks me "are you new?" I answer, "no." He asks "Is your dad the manager?" I answer, "no." Then he looks at me and says "You look smart." Honestly, I dont know what to say about all of that. Riding my bike home alone was nice tonight, just me and my thoughts. Well, okay, minus the thoughts. It felt too good to think about anything that matters. The cool wind, the dark sky, the faint lights and atmosphere coming out of all of the houses that I passed, it was nice. It was so good that I didnt worry about anything, just thought. Thought about hanging out with some friends, remembering how much I love riding my bike (and how good it felt).  Chrisi's going to be gone for the rest of the week. Twas nice.  I want to go ice skating. And to the pier to eat. I love eating at the pier. It's so nice! I love the way the inside looks, smells, and sounds. I love looking out the windows, and seeing people fish, and seeing all the water and the pretty lights from the skyway. When I look at the skyway I always wonder where the people crossing it are going.
I want to have a girls night. I'm so close to randomly inviting a bunch of girls that I only see in certain classes for like, a movie night or something. This list would be as follows:
Casey (How do YOU spell "duh"?)
Monique
Sam
Amber (Probably has to work)
Kelly
Cait                  

And they can just bring whatever movie they want to watch, and we can draw straws and in order from smallest to longest we get to watch them. Sounds like a plan to me! Now I just gotta ask all of them. I think it'd be fun. It could even be a slumber party, and I'll clear off my top bunk to make room for someone (small, like Kelly or....Kelly's the smallest one!) I think it'd be fun, not to repeat myself, but those are some interesting girls, we'd talk about, well, EVERYTHING! And we'd probably end up making Swiss Cheese philosophical! I just asked Mom, and she said maybe! Cool! I'm all kinds of excited now! I hope all works out! 


xoxo-Madame Scary "Spooky Butt" Horror Claws

Pat doesnt know it, but he's not on hold. I'm sitting here listening to him sing, and talk to himself. It's adorable! I dont know if he's very good or not, but I love when he speaks Spanish. Lol, he's tone deph. But I love listening. Oh crap! He's back! This journal shall be continued later...